


Thoughts

by phinawadd



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 03:07:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6139228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phinawadd/pseuds/phinawadd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just the thoughts of Allen Walker.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> My name is Aito and this is the first fanfic I have ever posted!  
> I haven't written a proper story/paper in over 3 years and there maybe places where it might not make sense or maybe just too much or too little!
> 
> My username is changed! I will be uploading more later in the year! Please look forward to it!! Ciao~

A boy with silver-white hair sat on the edge of the bridge, ignoring the pain in his side, watching the river roar under him he sat and watched. His grey eyes once filled with vigor and determination, now dulled with the passage of time, his eyes have lost the light. He touched his cursed eye with his gloved hand. The soft texture gently tracing the shape of his scar given to him by his late father. He dropped his hand letting it fall onto the hard stone.

  
A small golden ball with wings floated out of his sleeves as someone approached them.

  
“Allen!” A female voice called from behind him. He looked back at his longtime friend, Lenalee, her short deep sea green hair blowing in the gentle wind. She was beautiful, her porcelain white skin, her deep sea green eyes that sparkled, filled with such emotion. She cared so much about her friends, but he wondered how much more of her heart she could give to others before she would have no more to give.  
“Lenalee, did you finish the report?” he asked, he could see her eyebrows scrunch up at the expression he was wearing. She nodded, Lenalee, Lavi, Kanda and he were sent on a mission together to retrieve two pieces of Innocence. It was a big mission, and they had gotten quite the beatings from the hoard of Akuma they all encountered. But in the end, they destroyed them all and won. They had secured the pieces of Innocence so they could go back to their ‘home’. Back to the depressing dark tower in the middle of nowhere, the Black Order.

  
He closed his eyes and listened to the roaring river.

  
“Allen, are you ok?” She asked, her deep sea green eyes showing concern for the young Exorcist. He simply smiled at her. No, he wasn’t ok, he wasn’t fine.

  
“Everything is fine.” He opened his eyes and smiled, mainly telling himself that. He wished he could be like the raging river, to be able to knock down whatever was in its path to keep moving, never stopping.  
He jumped down onto the bridge to join Lenalee. Timcanpy floated towards her and perched on top of her head, snuggling close.

  
“Let’s go before the train leaves without us,” he said as he walked past her. He could see that she had something to say, he simply turned to her and smiled his broken smile. Silently crying inside, he slipped on a mask that he made, and kept going.

  
Lenalee soon followed after him.

  
They arrived at the train station chatting about the weather to see Kanda leaning against a pillar with his arms crossed; his flawless skin drenched in rain water, a scowl clearly set on his slightly pink lips, his graceful raven black hair tied up high, his beautiful cobalt eyes mindlessly glaring at the ground. The tall raven haired man gently pushed off the pillar and unfolded his arms as we approached the station, one arm, out of habit, to rest on his sword, Mugen. He was admiring him until his piercing eyes looked directly at the silver haired boy and made a ‘tch’ sound. Just as he was about to comment, something collided with him from behind, with a startled yelp he caught himself before he fell forward on to his face, trying not the let the annoyance override his usual clown mask.

  
Lavi, with his flaming red mane that was getting a bit too long held up by a black headband with a jade green dragon pattern on it, his curious green eye wandering around darting from one place to another to ‘record’ everything, but always goofing off would only have him get yelled at by the current Bookman.

  
“Yo, Allen, where ya been? Yuu was sooo worried!” It was the tall red head, playing dumb and grinning like a fool. Suddenly next to the silver haired one’s face, there the sharp end of a sword, meant to be pointed at the red head.

  
“I told you to stop calling me that you stupid rabbit!” Kanda flared angrily. He swung, Allen and Lavi both dodged just barely, Allen losing a few strands of his silver hair and Lavi almost losing his emerald green eyes that was always observing and hiding something. Kanda kept his precise aim meant to kill Akuma fixed on Lavi until Lenalee came in between them lecturing Lavi and Kanda both, who could say nothing in defense at the sweet girl knowing if they upset her she would cry.

  
Allen watched his all unfold, Lavi would learn nothing and continue going on about his fooling around, Kanda would still be a grumpy cat he is and Lenalee would try to have Kanda be friendlier.

  
He wondered where he fit in all of this chaos. Was he meant to be here? If he was, why was he here? Can he truly be happy? Did he deserve happiness? Was there a meaning to his existence? Does he have the right to live on after what he did to his late father? Is repenting by destroying Akuma and freeing their souls enough? He didn’t know, he didn’t know why he kept going, what kept him going. After a while training under his Master, Marian Cross, he realized that whatever he did would not help him repent. It didn’t help his situation, it didn’t help him cope with this cursed eye, it didn’t matter no matter how many Akuma he destroyed, there would always be more. He felt as if he’s lost his reason to go on and keep going as an Exorcist, as himself. There was just no end that he could see in this Holy War against the Millennium Earl and the Noah Clan.

  
“Oy!” something hit him on the head snapping him out of his thoughts.

  
“Idiot Kanda, what was that for?!” Allen exclaimed, rubbing the back of his head. The raven haired male simply made a disgruntled noise and headed into the train. He felt an urge to just yell out his frustration, but before he could Lenalee gently touched his arm and smiled.

  
“You had a really scary expression on your face Allen,” she said shyly, “Are you sure you are alright?” All he could do was stand there awkwardly, staring into Lenalee’s gentle eyes, wanting to say something, but the words just wouldn’t form.

  
What right did he have to complain? Could he dump all of the weight bearing on his heart to her? Does she deserve to bear his pain?

  
“I just have a lot on my mind,” bringing up his hands up in a defensive position, he put on his best poker smile trying to sound as positive as he could be at the moment, “I think I am just tired is all, we should get on the train before it leaves,” he said and got on the train following after Lavi and Kanda.

  
Finding the car they were riding in, he opened up one of the compartments that were reserved for the Black Order to find it empty. Sighing heavily he put his things away in the storage compartment and sat down. He leaned against the window, and looked out into the station waiting to depart and watched the people standing around, not knowing the dangers when a loved one dies, that in that single moment their lives could change forever. Their world that was filled with the laughter and love of their family and friends. Gone. In that single moment. Just vanish.

  
Something in the corner of his eye caught his attention, there was a boy about 5 or 6 years old, sitting outside in this chilly autumn wind, crying in the corner of the station. He cried and cried and all Allen could do was watch as the small child left all alone in this cruel unforgiving world disappeared behind the walls as they finally went out of the station.

  
Suddenly the compartment door slammed open and a very angry Kanda walked in, slamming the door shut as he sat down angrily across from him. Kanda sighed heavily and opened his cobalt eyes, glaring coldly at him.

  
“What are you staring at Bean Sprout.” His harsh tenor voice rang in Allen’s ears.

  
“I don’t know what you are talking about Idiot Kanda, and my name is Allen.” Allen said defiantly, his smile growing ever so tired. He turned his head and pretended to fall asleep, letting his mask fall off, hoping eventually he could fall asleep. “Why are you crying by yourself you damn idiot…” Allen heard a small whisper as he finally drifted to sleep.

 

* * *

  
_Allen found himself in a dream. It was a strange dream, unnaturally large crescent moon filled the blood red night sky, and he found himself walking down a long road._

  
_Up ahead there were two people walking at a slower pace holding hands, on was a man and the other was a small child. They seemed to be talking to each other._

  
_‘It’s so cold here.’ The child’s voice seemed to echo. The man seemed to say something to respond but no sound was coming out._

  
_‘It’s cold here, but it’s ok,’ the small child seemed to smile and looked up at the man, ‘because you are here!’ the child exclaimed happily. The man said something and fell to the ground._

  
_‘No! Don’t leave me! I don’t want to be alone! Please!’ the boy cried._

  
_The man’s body began to twist and bend in ways a body couldn’t until he was a skeleton and stood up. The standing skeleton looked like a skeleton, but the arms and legs looked different. They were bigger at the elbows and made a smooth cone shape at the end where the hands were supposed to be. The strange skeleton screeched in agony and attacked the small child, being a defenseless child with nothing to protect himself with was struck in the head._

  
_The child laid on the ground crying in pain. The skeleton like thing turned to look at me in the dream, the empty hollow eyes now glowing red staring straight into his soul._

  
_‘You did this to me! How could you?!’ the skeleton cried._

  
_‘I-I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…!’ he whispered quietly._

  
_As the echo of a girl laughing in the distance, the strange skeleton came running up in front of me and drove its pointed arm into my stomach the dream faded away…_

 

* * *

 

 

Allen woke with a start, he was damp with sweat, and he felt as if he was sick. Quickly getting up he burst through the compartment doors and went to the washroom and threw up his last meal. He quietly sobbed in the washroom whispering, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry…”

  
Timcanpy shuffled out of his sleeve and flickered around, snuggling up to his head, breaking him out of his trance, as if trying to calm him down. He smiled sadly at his little companion, “You’ve always been there for me haven’t you Tim…?” he held his hand out so Timcanpy could sit on his hand, “But just this once, let’s keep this between you and me ok?” and he held his little companion close.

  
After he cleaned up, he went back to the compartment, noticing it to be empty of the raven haired man, he couldn’t remember if he was in the compartment when he ran out, too tired to care, in all honesty, he didn’t want to explain himself to a grumpy Kanda or the others and sat down with a heavy sigh.

  
It was always like this, every time he would have a nightmare, he would wake up feeling sick. And he knew that he would not be able to stomach anything for the rest of the day. Placing a hand on his stomach to rub it a bit, he wondered how long he was sleeping for. The nightmares have become more frequent, he held his head in his hands, maybe he deserved this, maybe it’s because of all the lives he couldn’t save, the people he couldn’t help.

  
He was snapped out of this thoughts when the compartment door slid open and Lavi, Kanda and Lenalee were standing there staring at him.

  
“Um, is something wrong…?” he asked carefully, wondering what was wrong. The three of them let out a long sigh.

  
“Allen,” it was Lenalee that spoke up as they all filed in, “you looked like you were having a nightmare and we tried to wake you, but when you finally did you immediately ran out and disappeared.” Her voice was filled with concern but he knew that she knew, that he would not say anything about it.

  
“O-oh, yeah, sorry, I just really needed the washroom,” with great effort he placed that mask back on his face, the smile of a professional clown, “I apologize if it scared you,” he said, the well-practiced ‘everything is fine’ tone taking effect. Kanda made a disgruntled noise and looked out the window. What did he know about him? Lenalee looked as if she had something to say but Lavi put a hand on her shoulder to stop her from saying anything.

  
“Well, just let us know if you need to talk ok Allen?” She placed her hand on his. They would probably be really soft if he wasn’t so intent on wearing gloves. “We are your friends, we are here to help.” He smiled and Lenalee leaned against the stiff cushions of the compartments.

  
They all settled down to do their own thing, and for the rest of the ride it was quiet.

  
It was nice when it was quiet.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading all the way through!!  
> Please leave constructive criticisms in the comments section! Only if you want to though!


End file.
